Chamomile tea is my choice when I need to be contemplative. Its what I choose when I really need a moment to quiet my mind and hear what my heart is saying. I spent the afternoon today asking myself questions about my current way of dealing with my boys. Or more specifically about those aspects of my children which I find frustrating. Right now we as a family are in a cycle of frustration. I hate what that does to me as a mother, what it does to my normally sweet faced children and how it manifests throughout the day.

I am finding as my frustration level with my own inability to reach through the white noise in Jr.’s brain mounds that I am becoming more of a nagging, yelling, yucky mom. Its not how I want to be and its not who I want to be. But each day I am faced with the same problem of simply getting my son to hear me. I’m having to repeat myself two and three times. I am also having to get after him repeatedly for doing things I have requested he not do. Its like we have a disconnect when it comes to what I say and what he hears.

I am also having difficultly when I am trying to get obedience out of Lil’B. Don’t misunderstand what I am talking about when I say obedience though. Its not about picking up toys or some other menial task. This is about stopping.

As is “Stop hitting your brother!” or “Stop jumping down the steps!” or “Stop bouncing on the couch!” I am having a tremendously hard time getting Lil’B to understand that at times I need his obedience for his own safety. I don’t fear for my furniture. It’s well used and well loved. I do however fear that my very own little daredevil is going to bounce himself THROUGH the picture window. Case in point the other day as I am entering the room to chastise him about bouncing on the couch one again. He bounced off the side and landed on the side table. That table is the only thing that save him from landing on his head.

Breaking the cycle of frustration with my children is top priority for me. I wake up each day with the intention of doing it better, different or just more quietly. At night I go to bed waiting for the divine motherly inspiration fairy to strike me upon the head with better ideas for the next morning. At this point I am wondering if the divine motherly inspiration fairy needs to get a 2 x 4 for my thick skull.

Tomorrow is another day.
Tomorrow I will do better.
Tomorrow the kids will hear me.
Tomorrow we will break this frustrating cycle.

And if we don’t I guess there is always the next day….

I realized a couple of things:

1. I’m a bit off balance again as a mother. It like a small war in my head between the “let them play” mother and “the keep them safe” mother. Trying to strike that balance between them to allow enough adventurous play while at the same time keeping the boys safe from major harm is difficult for me at best. When I’m off balance it’s like dragging nails down a chalk-board. Its going to be a tough time for all of us while I seek out my equilibrium.

2. I am very much looking forward to my dinner date with my friend Bridget who I saw last night but that was with the boys. And its not the same as getting to go out without them.

At the end of the night even though I was feeling quite out of sorts as a mom. I felt better because I’d had an understanding ear to bend. Even though my kids were “those kids” last night you know the ones that are behaving so poorly that the parents will whisk their child away so as to not be contaminated with the awful that is your kids. The children that everyone looks at askance while thinking “why can’t that mother get them under control?”.

Yep that was us you saw last night in the mall.

Dinner was a constant chatter of “sit down” and “put your butt ON the chair”. The play place was fine though I finally had to drag them out because of all the big kids. Barnes and Noble though…..ugh. Lil’B howled several times at the Thomas the Train set up. Then the boys started a tug-a-war over the engine. It wasn’t pretty. It was enough that the mother who was there with her little girl actually bribed her child right in front of me to get her away from the boys.

“Honey, let’s go get some chocolate.”

Yeah, lady I know my kids were being horrible. Maybe you’ll be more sympathetic after its your turn for the horrid day. Personally I’m hoping not to win the “horrid day” lottery for awhile as I need a teensy bit of recovery time.