First I had a good time last night. We ran to see WALL-E at the Tuesday Bargain movie night at a local theater. The movie was what I’ve come to expect from Pixar but I can’t really say it better than Andrea did so pop on over there to read her review. WALL-E was spectacular is so many small ways. My favorite thing had to be Jr.’s “WALL-E” voice. It is almost spot on!
*****
Now a more serious note.
After the movie though was when I had a problem. And it is something I’ve noticed seems to be getting a little bigger and more frequent. My friends often poke me because I’m cautious and often have my kids walk away from things that may hurt them. Usually I can accept the jabs in jest but lately its been getting harder. It’s getting harder because I am seeming to have less control over my anxiety.
I say “we’ve had a long day” but that’s not an accurate description what I should be saying is that “I’ve been battling back the anxiety all day - making a conscious effort to turn off the “what if” pictures in my head - and I just can’t take one more round of that - so can you please just calm down before mommy completely falls off her rocker and the pictures going through my head overwhelm me to a point of non-function.”
It’s not very pretty is it. And to me it isn’t very funny. Most days I’m fine but I’ve noticed that a few days a month I’m really not that fine. The more I am bombarded on other levels the easier it seems for my anxiety level to raise. It makes everything harder but especially battling back my normal (albiet strong but not insane) desire to keep the boys safe. On the bad days watching them at a playground is like nails on a chalkboard. Intellectually I know they will most likely be okay - but that doesn’t stop the continuing circle of “what if” pictures in my head or the other reactions I have that help me to recognize it is the anxiety talking. Most days are still just regular days and I’m working on figuring out what to do on the days that aren’t.
*****
I don’t want to end this post saying I’m a little nuts. So I’ll add a bit more on a different topic. A fantastic, wonderful topic. That I’ve wanted to share but I was waiting a few more days until I was certain that he was really, really there.
Jr. can read.
I don’t mean sound it out like “C A T cat” reading. I mean picking up a new book and reading with cadence, flow and confidence that he can do it. He still stops for words that he’s unfamiliar with like “through” and “ledge” but I am somewhat surprised at the number of words that he’s not stopping or pausing on like “pixie”. I don’t know why that one just surprised me. The other day we were reading books and he was reading to his brother while I found the requested book in the pile. In the middle of the chapter he stopped and said “I sure can read mom - cause I sure am getting to be 7!” I was tickled pink that he noticed his developed reading skill but very coolly said. “Yep you sure can read.” while inside I did the happy WAA HOOO dance!
July 2nd, 2008 at 3:10 pm
We’ve yet to see WALL-E - I told my husband as soon as he can help me get the house under control we’ll get a sitter. I don’t want to have to pay the sitter hazard pay for tripping over stuff or things falling on her
As for the anxiety - you are not crazy! Talk to your physician. She might be able to recommend somebody you can talk to or something you can take to help you through the worst of it. It might be a temporary thing - some people take meds only during the days they are dealing with the anxiety/irritablity associated with PMS. You might not even need a prescription medication. Sometimes something as simple as diet changes (avoiding certain foods or adding others) or a multivitamin and omega-3 capsule is enough. Moms are not superhuman and its not a weakness to have some extra support.
Yeah for Jr. reading!!! A whole new world opens up when a child can decode the words on a page. What an accomplishment!
July 2nd, 2008 at 10:31 pm
Lynanne said everything I was going to say about the anxiety. You’ll be amazed at how many people you know have dealt with similar problems and offer support now that you’ve shared it. So, yeah, that would be me speaking from experience. It is downright scary when your mind starts going all those places you don’t want it to go…counseling is a big help in changing thought patterns that lead you there, and meds are helpful when you can’t seem to get in under control. Or to get it under control enough to help you learn to control it better.
July 2nd, 2008 at 11:04 pm
I was recently diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder — after the huge panic attack I had, and hospitalization, after watching my dad have his heart attack. After reading about anxiety due to the diagnosis, I learned I have suffered with it my entire life, but it became a huge issue when I had Thomas.
It’s NOT crazy. It’s very common. Go talk to your doctor about it.
My doctor gave me a huge bottle of Xanax to take with me to Denver because I anticipated anxiety issues while I was there. I only took one the entire time — it helped tremendously — but what helped me hte most was knowing the bottle was in my purse. That was the magic pill, just having it, and I was able to be much more calm and collected.
Now that I’m home I hope to really work on my anxiety issues. If you need to, email me and we can talk privately about it.
A great-big congrats to Jr. on reading! Woo-hoo, that’s fantastic!
July 3rd, 2008 at 4:58 pm
*hugs* Anxiety is a tough one, especially when it’s about your kids. Realizing what it is is the biggest part of the battle, I think. I’d be looking for a counselor first - if you choose to try medication, remember you don’t have to stick with the first choice. Or the second, or third, or even more than that. Don’t be shy about talking to your Dr. if it’s not working out.
Jr.’s reading is awesome news!
July 10th, 2008 at 12:06 am
Yahoo for reading! E has also finally wanted to read. He read Spongebob Moviepants the other day–cover to cover. Not my favorite character, but he read it! I’ve got to say something about the anxiety. I had to quickly overcome that, as I can’t physically rescue them from harm. I have realized that son #2 is not as agile as son #1, and I think it’s because #2 was not allowed to make his own mistakes. #1 would help him, or I would shout for him to help. I, in turn, created that “non-agility” in son #2, and it shows in the way he hurts himself far more than #1. (How many #1 & 2’s are in this comment…sheesh!)
July 11th, 2008 at 8:14 pm
I totally get the anxiety thing. I used to get crap about being overly cautious with Lily, only people would say it’s because I only had one kid. Bah. I think sometimes it is a shame reaction from people, because they see your expression of fear as judgment on their decisions. Just like with homeschooling vs PS? Anyway, I remember a huge negative discussion because I wouldn’t let Lily ride a wagon down a hill towards a busy street with another toddler. It wasn’t safe, she was only 2, she’d only been walking 6 months, no helmets, etc. Did I mention the busy street????? Gah. I was mocked for being too cautious, but really now I see that the mom might have been embarrassed that I judged the activity as too dangerous, while she thought it was fine or hadn’t thought it through. Does that make sense?
Don’t let people get you down, it will only exasperate the anxiety. Love your kids. Do so without apologies. You know their limits and yours. Just like schooling!